Pundit Chick has a brilliant debate parody:
Moderator: Hello, and welcome to the Republican Debate. My first question goes to former Mayor Giuliani. Some in your party worry about your pro-choice position and what kind of judges you would appoint to the Supreme Court. What can you say to reassure those voters?
Giuliani: I would tell them to look at my record in NYC during 911, and that would tell them all they need to know. I reduced crime in New York City, and displayed incredible leadership during 911. Did I forget to mention 911?
Moderator: Alright, Governor Mike Huckabee: Mitt Romney has been running commercials attacking you for being soft on illegal immigration and for raising taxes in Arkansas by a half billion dollars. What do you have to say about his claims?
Huckabee: You know, after being attacked by Mr. Romney, I was going to come out here and say Mitt is a liar, a crook, freaky cult member, and a metrosexual. But after I thought about it, I realized I don’t want to run a negative campaign, and decided against saying these things. If I hadn’t told you this, the media wouldn’t have believed I had a change of heart and such incredible core values.
Moderator: Governor Romney, is it true your Massachusetts healthcare plan allows for hair tranplants for only a $50 co-pay?
Romney: I mandated everyone in my state be required to obtain full, lush hair like mine. [flashes brilliant white smile]
Moderator: Congressman Paul, what would you do about the skyrocketing costs of healthcare in this country?
Paul: You know, this all links back to the Military Industrial complex. [adjusts tinfoil hat] If we weren’t the world’s policeman and inflation wasn’t so high, we wouldn’t be having all these problems with obesity and cancer either.
Moderator: Senator McCain, what do you have to say to your detractors about your support for the amnesty bill?
McCain: First of all, I have the most experience, knowledge, and background to lead us through troubled times. I just had to get that out there first. I want to remind everyone I was the first to advocate the surge of illegal immigrants before any of the rest of my opponents. I and I alone pushed for the illegal surge, and insisted Michael Chertoff was not letting in enough illegals to get the job done! [face turns red, trying to supress building rage]
Romney: The bill you worked on with Ted Kennedy was amnesty though, wasn’t it?
McCain: It’s not amnesty!! [rage reaches uncontrollable level] They have to pay a fine!!! [pressure builds until McCain’s head pops off]
Huckabee: See, that supports just what I’ve been saying about preventative healthcare. We need to intervene before the health problems get out of control and it’s too late. Some counseling could have done the Senator some good.
Moderator: We’ll go back to you Governor Huckabee. Some say you don’t have enough foreign policy experience, especially following the repeated gaffes you made regarding the assasination in Pakistan. What do you say to defend yourself?
Huckabee: Well, I think Americans want a president who’s just like the guy they work with, a regular guy. Plus, Chuck Norris will vouch for me. Oh, did you know I was on Jay Leno and played my guitar? [pulls out guitar and begins playing “Son of a Preacher Man”]
Moderator: [standing, clapping wildly and cheering] Okay, now on to Senator Thompson. Are you ready now to announce your intention to drop out of the race and endorse John McCain?
Thompson: First of all, I already addressed this, and it’s categorically false. It’s a total fabrication by another campaign. Anyway, I’m here tonight to tell voters I have the most conservative record. I am pro-life, in favor of a strong military, lower taxes, and —
Moderator: So, is that a yes? If it’s easier, just indicate by raised hand your intention to drop out and endorse McCain.
Thompson: I said no handshows. [pulls out revolver] Okay boy, I challenge you to a duel. Let’s settle this the old fashioned way, like gentlemen.
Moderator: Please sir, put the gun away. This is a gun-free zone. [cowering in fear]
Paul: Well, the right to bear arms is constitutional.
Thompson: Withdraw your question or prepare for the duel. [pulls out second revolver to offer to moderator]
Moderator: Sorry sir, question withdrawn. That’s all the time we’ve got for tonight’s debate. Besides, I’ve got to go change my pants. Good evening.
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